At the beginning of our lives we are attached to our mother by an umbilical cord that literally pumps nutrients and life for our vitality as a young infant.  It is an absolute part of being born.  There is no denying that you are literally tied to a life supply from your mother.  ( Thanks to all the Moms out there bringing life into the world.)

On the other side of that is this invisible cord we seem to keep attached to family members no matter what the cost .  Our sisters, brothers, aunts, uncles; they all play a role in how we become who we are.  Our family is an extension of us.  Somehow you are bound to them for life. But at what cost?

We just finished the holiday season.  How many of us feel completely drained of energy from having to suck it up and spend time with our disturbed family members?  After about 20 years of feeling highly uncomfortable and almost “forced ” to engage with toxic people,  I decided to do it differently this year.  No awkward preparations  ( you know wouldn’t have been good enough somehow), no worrying about peoples likes and dislikes, and no anxiety about the blow up that happens every year because we can’t all operate peacefully in the same space.

The absence of a few people made all the difference in the world.  It made me wonder why I had put myself through the misery for so long?

Here are some key points I came away with this season:

Boundaries are important and necessary

If you don’t feel comfortable around someone you don’t have to be around them.  Simple.  Life changes.  Everyone is different.  We must know ourselves and our own boundaries, and be able to stand by them when they are tested.  Follow your truth.

Follow your truth

Don’t allow others to walk all over your beliefs / life practices just because they are / have been an authority to you in the past.  The role of a parent is to raise a child and put them out into the world as a decent human being.  To teach us things while we are young and set a blueprint/foundation to build on.  They are right when they say there is no book on how to be a perfect parent ( actually there are several awesome resources to direct you now.) .  For a long time parents just went by what they were taught from their parents and tried their best.  Sometimes you want to live differently than you were taught and that is OK.  Follow your truth .  Find a way to send love and be kind. Do not break your own boundaries and beliefs because of someone who “used” to have authority over you, thinks your way is wrong.

Honor your Mother , Father, Sister and Brother

Good ole’ Mommy and Daddy. They did on a physical level,  bring you into this world.  For the most part I’m sure they tried to raise you the best they knew how.  Maybe you don’t see eye-to-eye now.  Maybe you don’t even speak anymore.  That’s OK.  No matter what the situation always send them love and kindness.  Honor them for who they are.  Be grateful for the life they gave you and always send out good vibrations for them/ towards them.    Appreciate them for all they have taught you.  Good or bad it has made you into who you are as an adult.   This also goes for brothers and sisters, uncles and aunts .  They have played a role in your life.  Respect them for who they are and send them love.  Stay free of anger and hate.  That helps no one.

You aren’t who you once were

We change over our lifetimes.  All of us do.  We experience many places and philosophies. The world changes all around us.  We are not the little children of yesterday.  Most of us have children of our own .  We see ourselves in them and wonder if we are having a positive impact on their lives?  Think back about how much you have changed, look at all the situations and struggles, all the success that inspired you to do more, how the path and surroundings changed .  You are not who you once were.  Often times I think older family members get stuck on how it ” should be” or how it “used to be” and forget that we are ever changing.  Nothing stays the same .  Know who you are. Be brave enough to stand in that place.  You earned that authority over yourself.

It’s ok to cut the cord

Just like when you were a baby, you can cut yourself free from that invisible cord.  You will be able to sustain yourself.  When you know your worth, know your strengths, create healthy boundaries, and reflect to all involved only love and appreciation, then It’s more than ok to cut the cord .  Bad blood becomes toxic to our systems.  You are not bound to negativity of the past.  You are not “forced” to surround yourself with toxic family members.  Do what’s best for you.

In closing:

I know it is hard sometimes to turn away family.  Just because you love and appreciate them does not mean you must surround yourself with them for sake of holidays and tradition.  You should not be forced to let your energy be drained by someone because they hold the title of family member.

At some point we all become adults and are responsible for our own lives and well- being.  Be good to yourself.  Find what/who resonates with you.  Be OK with the fact that you might need to rearrange after healthy boundaries are set so that you can live your best life.  It is not unkind.  It is not cruel.  You are doing everyone a favor by not continuing the dysfunction.  Go ahead………

CUT THE CORD !

Thank you for taking time to read this.  I would love to hear any stories or thoughts you may have.  Any advice for someone struggling with family dysfunctions?   

Be well everyone.